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January 25th, 2012

Out of love

This is so hard. I feel like an emotional storm is brewing, I've kept them safe and tucked away a long time, but it's all just built up a sort of atmospheric pressure. I am not in love with James anymore, and I think, know, he can sense it, and after our talk he's trying to hold onto me even tighter, almost desperately. I feel relieved, a sense of calm knowing how I feel, but also the worst guilt. If there's one great thing to come of my mother's death, it's that nothing could ever be that hard, or hurt that much again, in perspective, the rest of life seems small. I don't want to hurt him though, but I have and I'm going to. It's going to be awful. And it makes me want to be alone after forever, just so I never have to go through anything like this ever again.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Gone too soon

Physically exhausted and all sorts of stiff and swollen, and no not in a naughty way. Pushing 48hrs no sleep. Alyssa and Sam lost someone this morning, the first death for them that hit close to home. And I do mean first, because sadly its inevitable that it won't be the last. Seeing that pain in them is awful and I can't, won't tell them it's going to be okay, because it's not, not for awhile. I guess I am the resident expert on death and grief, and I'm not very good at it. So sad that girl was just 19, made me selfishly a little scared for myself. It's not fair to have any disease taking over your body so young. Shed turned 19 on Reina's birthday...She should have been just beginning her life. I am so sick of people dying around me, narcissistic I know but it's true and I can't help but notice, every time something awful has happened to A this year--she's been with me. :( Is the world trying to tell me something?? Make your point then, fuck!!!

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Hero Take Me Home

You make me lose sight,
Of the reality I'm seeking.
Thank god you can't see me,
Because my knees are weakening.

You're a different kind of addiction,
And a dangerous game to play,
Because I feel I'm sinking,
In a very shameful way.

You were my hero,
And I your biggest regret,
Words you didn't need to speak,
Among memories I can't forget.

I was your awful secret.
You became my home.
We fell into each other,
Because we couldn't be alone.

You are worldly and smart,
Clever, full of charm.
Well, the world ate me alive,
And I'm running back to your arms.

Running back to your madness,
Your comforting song.
Somehow this mess,
Is where I feel I belong.

I wish I could be more,
And comfort you the same,
Wipe the tears,
And kiss the pain.

Did you know I'd need you?
Did you see it coming in the end?
Are you ready to play the hero,
And bring me home again?

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.