January 16th, 2012

I'm a naughty nasty cheater

Not really. But given the opportunity? Tall dark and handsome, charming and aloof? Yeah, I'd probably go for it. I'm deeply craving, wanting to be wanted, noticed, desired. And I want to be myself. I want the kind of happiness I grew to believe, was only make-believe. Life isn't a fairy-tale and I've gotten used to that, but nothing truly horrific has happened to me in years, except my own dark issues--I have no excuse to feel sorry for myself, the power is in my hands I'm well aware. People perceive me as a strong person, but I'm not, in fact I think it's raw fear that held me together and emotionless on the outside during my "ordeal" at 15, and it's raw fear that leaves my paralyzed but not powerless in my current state. And a deep desire not to hurt others. I'm living a lie in ever sense of the expression, it's not Ian's fault, it's not my mother's not my father's and not James's, it mine and mine alone this time. Ian has been a continued distraction and fixation, one I've recently been forced to let go of and face the facts--but James has been an easy out, just the same. Starting to see a pattern. Passion to passionless, I've hit both ends of the spectrum for generally the same reasons. I'm learning, growing, and I'm trying to build the strength to face my mistakes, and walk away, from this ridiculous mess I've made of my life. Maybe then I can really claim to be a "strong person".

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