This is so hard. I feel like an emotional storm is brewing, I've kept them safe and tucked away a long time, but it's all just built up a sort of atmospheric pressure. I am not in love with James anymore, and I think, know, he can sense it, and after our talk he's trying to hold onto me even tighter, almost desperately. I feel relieved, a sense of calm knowing how I feel, but also the worst guilt. If there's one great thing to come of my mother's death, it's that nothing could ever be that hard, or hurt that much again, in perspective, the rest of life seems small. I don't want to hurt him though, but I have and I'm going to. It's going to be awful. And it makes me want to be alone after forever, just so I never have to go through anything like this ever again.
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