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And back to the future

Reading this stuff, is hard and it makes me realize how much there is I really don't remember. How many pieces are missing. We talked last night, until I fell asleep just before sunrise. I know these are feelings I have to feel, what choice is there really, they are just lurking under the surface, those dark things, behind my magic curtain. I'm burning up inside, but maybe that's good, there's been so much nothing, so much numbness for so long, so much the same, everyday the same things. I'm so tired of living in a broken body and a broken life. I have a strong taste for all the things that are no good for me, and my self control is a joke. But those memories build a fire in me because it's the kind of electricity and connection I've been missing for so long. I'm sure there's so much more out there for me. Still he weakens me because he doesnt want me, thats the only reason, I love to punish myself and I'm unappreciative, easily bored...but also there's just that strange connection, that seems to transcend everything and everyone else, it must be there for something, I just havent figure out what yet. Alone and awake tonight, with too many thoughts. I guess things havent changed all that much in all these years...